


Little Lady.

by Dnatt



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Abandonment, Abuse, Bisexuality, Child Abandonment, Childbirth, Custody Battle, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay, Gay For You, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Original Character(s), Pansexual Character, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Raising a baby, Real Life, Secrets, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, YouTube, cartoonz - Freeform, rainbow six siege
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-02 14:05:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11510958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dnatt/pseuds/Dnatt
Summary: Jonathan Dennis is content with his life up until the moment his girlfriend gives birth. A year later he finds himself trying to survive as a single father when his friend, Luke, steps up to the plate to help him raise his daughter.Fatherhood suits Luke and Jonathan can't help but fall in love with him. The problem is: Jonathan has already found somebody else and Luke is 100% straight and doesn't know Jonathan is in love with him.With help from their friends the two men learn what it means to tell the truth and do what is right for themselves and for others.





	1. Mommy Dearest.

Friday, August 5th, 2016. 9:37 p.m.

Luke is sat staring at his computer screens, fiddling with the headphones, waiting for his latest Rainbow Six Siege video to render when his phone begins to ring on the desk. Luke can see that it’s Jon calling, he wonders why he’s calling him at this hour of the evening when they’re planning on recording some more content together in about an hour and a half. Placing his headphone onto his legs Luke rubbed a hand over his beard and grabbed his phone, looking briefly at the caller ID picture he has set. The picture is of Luke and Jon together one Christmas when they were a lot younger.

Luke is grinning at the camera his face void of his now trademark beard, a baby-faced Jon at his side. Jon is smiling so wide, showing off his slightly crooked teeth that he sported before he had braces, his light green eyes are almost completely shut where his smile is so wide. The boys’ arms are thrown around each other in a hug. Luke loved this picture, it showed them both as he liked to remember them, happy and close together. They were still close and happy, but it wasn’t the same.

Sliding his thumb across the screen to accept the call Luke began to say ‘hello’ when a frantic voice came calling over the line. “Dude it’s Jon. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. It’s happening. She’s giving birth!” Luke almost had to wince against the yelling from the other side of the phone.

The familiar sound of his best friend’s voice warmed Luke, but the words made him panic slightly. Luke sat upright fast in his chair, the headphone that had been carefully resting on his thighs slid to the ground with a soft thud. “What do you mean she’s giving birth?” Luke had been expecting to his this any time now, but knew it wold catch him off guard regardless of when it happened.

“I mean she’s giving birth! Like give birth! The baby is coming now!” Jon had a habit of talking fast when he got excited, or nervous, or scared, or basically almost any emotion. Luke felt lucky that Jon hadn’t forgotten how to speak properly, as he was prone to do. Luke could hear another familiar voice in the background yelling at Jon, it must be Brittany, Jon’s girlfriend of a year and a half. “Shit man, we’re about to head to the hospital now. Can you meet me there?” Jon asked. Luke nodded in response, forgetting that Jon couldn’t see him. “Dude, you still there?”

“Shit sorry, yeah I’ll meet you there. Text me where to go when you get there. I’ll see you soon.” Jon hung up at that, obviously in a rush to get Brittany, his girlfriend who was heavily pregnant (not for much longer) to the hospital. Luke grabbed his keys and wallet and ran to his car, not caring that he looked a mess with his hair brown hair more than dishevelled and wearing scruffy clothing.

Luke would’ve drove straight to the hospital but halfway through the journey he realised he was super low on gas. Well, super low by his standards, which means about half a tank remaining. So, he pulled into the nearest gas station and filled his baby up. Luke had always seen his car as his baby, making sure she was clean and always fed (filled up) and well looked after. With his car Luke felt he could unwind and let his parental and nurturing side blossom, something he hadn’t done since he would help Jon when they were both teenagers.

As he walked to the window to pay for the gas Luke grabbed a bunch of flowers to give to Brittany when he saw her, hesitating when he thought of how cheap it seemed giving her gas station flowers. He ultimately decided on getting her the flowers anyway because he thought of all the times, in the few years she had known him, that she had tried taking Jon away for one reason or another. Jon had always insisted that Luke was the closest thing to family he really had. Jon still had both his parents and his sister, but none of them approved of his ‘career’ choice as a YouTube content creator and none of them approved of Brittany that much, though they’d never say this to his face. Luke knew though because they treated him like a second son and would talk to him about it when Jon wasn’t around.

Paying for the gas and flowers; Luke returned to his car when he heard his phone chime in his pocket, this time it was a text notification. Sitting in the driver’s seat he swiped his phone open and began to read.

‘False alarm. She’s in labour but the baby isn’t due for a few more hours yet. I’m waiting at the hospital with Brit until the baby comes. Want me to text closer to the time?’ Luke sighed at his phone and began to type; ‘Sure thing man. Le…’. Luke looked at the time and saw that it was almost half past ten and knew he wouldn’t be doing much more for the night with everything going on, so he deleted his half-typed message and began typing again; ‘It’s alright dude, I’m almost there now. Let me know where to meet you.’ He hit send and began driving again, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel the entire rest of the journey in nervous anticipation.

Pulling into the hospital’s parking lot Luke checked his phone for directions from his friend. Memorising the directions, Luke entered the building and traversed its corridors that all looked like the last, eventually reaching the waiting room where he saw his best friend pacing around some chairs, his naturally tanned skin looking almost sallow under the sickly fluorescent lights. If Luke hadn’t already known what was happening he would have prepared himself for bad news regarding Jon’s health with the way the light reflected off his skin and eyes making him look deathly ill.

Pushing through the door in to the waiting room Luke took no time in wrapping Jon into a bone crushing hug, causing the taller man to squeak in surprise. After a few seconds Luke felt arms wrap around him in response. “Hey man, congratulations.” Just holding his friend made Luke relax, the familiar scent of mint and chocolate making him feel like they were teenagers again playing video games in one of their bedrooms.

For most men hugging another man, that is a friend, for so long would be uncomfortable, but for Luke and Jon it was as normal as a handshake. They’d known each other for almost twenty years, ever since Luke began dating Jon’s older sister, Lizzie. At first Luke thought the young Jonathan was a strange kid who didn’t speak much and was a complete loner. Over time Luke learned that Jonathan was in fact a strange kid who didn’t speak much and was a complete loner and later he learned that Jonathan was a sharp minded, creative and sensitive man who would do anything for anyone who asked.

One day in May, a few months after Luke and Lizzie began dating, Luke accidently walked in on Jonathan crying in the bathroom. Deciding to try and help, which puzzled the teenage Luke to no end as helping crying kids wasn’t something that he naturally did, Luke learned that the reason Jonathan didn’t like to talk much and was a loner was because he was being heavily bullied in school. The younger boy showed Luke bruises the covered his torso and back from where bullies would punch and kick him almost weekly.

It was at seeing these bruises that caused something to snap inside of Luke, he grabbed the young Jonathan’s hands and stared deep into the younger kid’s light green eyes and promised that the bullying would stop. Jonathan laughed to himself because he didn’t believe it, he’d tried getting it to stop in the past to no avail. Little did he know that Luke wasn’t above beating the crap out of kids five years younger than himself. It was exactly that, beat the crap out of younger kids, when Luke caught Jonathan limping a few days later.

It was from this not so simple act of violence and compassion that Luke and Jonathan grew to become like brothers. Slowly of the course of years, with help and nurturing from Luke, Jonathan blossomed into an outspoken and energetic man. At times throughout the years Lizzie would question Luke on if they were only together so Luke had an excuse to be close to Jon, Luke would always deny this insisting that they didn’t need an excuse. Lizzie would always roll her eyes and, never believing it for herself, let the subject drop again until the next time she felt she was being ignored for her baby brother. When eight years had passed and Luke and Lizzie mutually ended their relationship, both citing a difference in interests and a natural drifting apart, Jon worried it would be the end of his friendship with the only person he truly felt he could be himself around. But to his surprise Luke would still come by the house every now and then to hang and play video games, something they both enjoyed.

“You know you should wait for the baby to be born before you congratulate me, right?” Jon smiled as he released his friend and beamed down at the shorter man. “Oh, flowers, for me? You shouldn’t have?” Jon laughed at the flowers Luke had dropped when he entered the room, a few of the flower heads crushed from being accidentally stepped on. “They’re not for you, you stupid son’ve’a’bitch.” Luke laughed at his friend, who laughed back with a slight wheeze. It delighted Luke to hear the wheeze because he knew that Jonathan was truly laughing and not pretending. “Speaking of sons of bitches, any idea how long it’s going to be before Brittany’s stomach explodes and the alien pops out?” Luke grinned at Jon who only rolled his eyes as he grabbed for the flowers on the floor.

“Midwife said it would be a few hours, possibly tomorrow lunch time.” Jon began pacing again the flowers swinging wildly along with his arms, Luke decided to sit instead. Flicking through the magazines Luke tutted, “why the fuck is all the magazine girly bullshit? The women are giving birth not sat here reading, they should have more manly magazine!” Luke threw a copy of Cosmopolitan down onto the seat across from him. Jon didn’t pay any attention to him, mostly because he was too nervous to think of a response, but also because in his down time he would read the odd “girly” magazine that Brittany would leave laying around their house.

After around five minutes of Luke staring at the wall and Jon pacing a chime from their pockets made both men jump. It was a message from Ohm asking where they both were, “shit I completely forgot we were meant to be recording with Ohm and Bryce tonight.” Jon muttered before looking at Luke. “I’m still signed on to Discord at home, I can imagine them doing their absolute fucking heads in yelling at me”, Luke laughed to himself. “What should we tell them?” Luke thought he’d better ask Jon as nobody, except for Luke, knew about Brittany or the baby. “Shit. Tell them I’m sick and you took me to the hospital!” It was clear to Luke that this excuse was the first thing that came into Jon’s head and decided to come up with his own reason.

Quickly typing he sent: ‘Sorry guys, had to quickly run to Delirious’, his computer fucked up and he needed me to have a look at it for him. I’ll let you know when I manage to fix it and we can join later’.

A few minutes later a reply from Bryce came in: ‘Sure thing dude. Good luck!’

Luke caught Jon smiling at the message. There was something about Bryce’s indefinite supply of happiness and optimism that always made Jon smile and cheer up, almost like he couldn’t help but be happy when Bryce spoke to him. Luke thought it was strange that Jon had such a strong reaction to Bryce because up until recently it was a reaction he’d only ever seen Jon have for a very small number of people, himself included.

“Bless. You’re smiling. Did you get a text from your boyfriend?” Luke teased and Jon blushed.

“Fuck off. If you don’t remember I have a GIRLFRIEND and she’s giving birth to my baby right now!” Jon didn’t know why Luke teasing him about Bryce bothered him so much. He knew it was a joke, but it still hit a nerve somewhere deep inside of him.

It was possibly because as a teenager Jon had discovered he wasn’t just attracted to some girls, but to some guys as well. Jon didn’t identify as bisexual because it wasn’t all guys and girls he was attracted to, but rather people with certain personalities that he liked. He had read somewhere about something called ‘pansexual’ and decided that was the closest thing he could get to describing himself. This, however, was one of his deepest secrets and even Luke did not know. So, sometimes, when Luke would tease him about liking guys, and it involved a guy that Jon felt more of an attraction to, it would hit a nerve.

Jon had discovered his feeling for Bryce a couple of months earlier, about half way through Brittany’s pregnancy. They had been texting and Bryce had made a silly joke about one of his kittens and Jon found himself feeling something inside that he hadn’t felt in a while. It had been a few years since Jon had found a guy that sparked feeling inside of himself. But Jon knew it would never come to anything, because they would never meet in person, Bryce was straight, but mostly because Jon would become a father very soon. Since this realisation Jon had tried his best to change how he felt, which for the most part had been successful but he still felt like he could talk to the younger man for hours and never feel awkward. In a strange way, the feelings kind of reminded him of the butterflies he would get whenever Luke would hang out with him as a teenager, but there wasn’t an excitement to Bryce’s feelings more of a steady, calm feeling.

The hours passed as Jon and Luke slipped in and out of restless slumber laying across the world’s most uncomfortable hospital benches in existence. At around 5 a.m., with reassurance from a midwife that the baby would be there in a few more hours, Luke convinced Jon that he should go home and freshen up because he shouldn’t meet his new baby looking and smelling like the contents of a diaper.

Walking through the parking lot trying to remember where he had parked last night Jon let himself think about what his life was like if certain events hadn’t happened. He thought about what his life would be like if his sister, Lizzie, wasn’t born. For him no Lizzie meant no Luke, and no Luke meant he probably wouldn’t have gained the confidence to start YouTube or any confidence at all, which meant no Bryce, no Ohm, no Vanoss, basically he would have nobody to call a friend. Jon then thought what his life would have been like if he hadn’t met Brittany.

Jon and Brittany had met one evening after Jon and Luke had gone to watch a movie, he couldn’t remember what movie it was now. She had been stumbling around drunk outside of the theatre, her friends nowhere to be seen. It would have been comical if she hadn’t almost fallen through several shop windows and into oncoming traffic while mixing together singing, crying, laughing and asking why her friends left her. Luke had insisted to leave he be and go on their way home, Jon on the other hand wanted to at least help her find her way home. “Come on man, look at her. She looks like she’ll weigh less than a cheeseburger, soaking wet”. Jon had explained, looking at the impossibly thin woman. “A cheeseburger? Really Jon? So not something normal, a fucking cheeseburger?” Luke could never understand why Jon always mixed common expressions with really odd words, but it was an eccentricity he had learned to love. “Dude I’m fucking hungry and it was the first thing that came to mind.”

“If we hurry we can get some burgers before we go home”. Luke tried his best to convince Jon to go, but the younger man still insisted on helping the drunken girl.

“Miss. Miss? Are you alright, miss?” Jon talked slowly to her, holding her shoulder to stop her from falling while stood still. Her mossy green eyes unfocused but somehow seeing him. “I’ma good. But my friends have left me. But you found me. Do’ya want to be my friend?” Luke already hated her, she was trashed and acting like a damned fool. It was two things he couldn’t stand, people who let themselves drink to this point of inebriation and people who couldn’t control themselves when they were drunk.

“Sure, I’ll be your friend.” Jon replied, making the skinny girl yip with joy before she stumbled to the side, almost knocking passer-by’s over. “Now as your friend I’m going to get you into a taxi and you are going to tell the taxi man where you live and you’re going to go home and go to sleep.”

During the time, it took for the taxi to arrive and for Jon to convince her to get in and go home, they had started to talk, well she had started to ramble about anything and everything that came to mind and Jon stood silently and nodded, Luke not far behind him slowly getting more and more annoyed at this drunken girl that said ‘like’ and ‘you know’, without asking a question, far too much. When the taxi arrived Brittany quickly tried to get Jon’s number so she could call him tomorrow, Jon obliged because she showed no sign of getting into the taxi otherwise. “What a fucking mess.” Luke had signed when the taxi started to pull away from the sidewalk, the drunken girl inside.

She had texted Jon the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Though she admitted she had no clue how they met or why she had his number. Now here they were a year and a half later having a baby with Jon going home alone thinking about what it would be like to not have her around at all.


	2. That YouTube Money.

Tuesday, June 13th, 2017. 3:34 p.m.

“For fuck sake Jonathan can you please get a real fucking job and act like an adult for once in your life?” Brittany yelled interrupting Jon while he sat looking through fan art on twitter. “I’m sick and tired of having to defend you to my family and I’m sick of all these fucking children acting like they know you and sending you shitty ass art. Like look, this one doesn’t even look like you. That one looks like Emma drew it!” Jon sighed and turned in his chair.

“I’m not asking you to defend me and the fan art is fantastic no matter the quality or content. I don’t see why you have such a problem with this.” It felt like every other day in the past couple of months that Brittany would berate Jon about making YouTube videos for a living and not slaving away in some thankless, dead-end job like most of the people he went to school with now did. “I’ve been doing it for six years, it’s all I really know how to do. Besides it makes me happy. I feel like I can be myself when I play game with my friends.”

“So, you’re saying I don’t make you happy and you can’t be yourself with me!” Brittany yelled at Jon. It wasn’t even a question, which Jon was thankful for because he didn’t know how he would respond to her now. There were times when Jon could say he loved her, but those times were quickly becoming far and few between.

“You know that’s not what I meant! I just mean that I’ve been doing this for so long that I can’t imagine being happy or successful at anything else. If you loved me you would support me at this.” Jon signed that last part, his voice trailing off. He felt tired about having this argument, again. He felt tired with Brittany, for the past ten months she had been acting so entitled.

Ever since Brittany gave birth to Emma a little before ten a.m. on August sixth she had been behaving like a child herself. Jon knew that he would have to help her more while she recovered, the pregnancy had been rough on Brittany, the birth was straight forward but ever since they returned for the hospital something had changed. Brittany had been looking forward to having a baby so much before and during the pregnancy, but it seemed like from the moment the stepped foot into their house she had switched from happy to sad and angry. She didn’t smile and gush at her baby like Jon had expected, when Emma had started babbling Brittany complained she was making too much noise for such a small baby. At times, it felt like Brittany was expecting to be babied as well, like she had done her job giving birth and now she shouldn’t have to deal with everything else afterwards. Sure, she had done the physically hardest part, but she had complained about everything since in such a way that Jon doubted that she really wanted to be a mother.

Jon on the other hand had loved everything baby Emma had done since she was born, so much so he had encouraged his daughter to try and talk more, to try and walk, to try everything and anything. Jon loved everything Emma did.

Growing up he never imagined himself as a parent, mostly because he didn’t like kids that much. He didn’t hate them, he just wasn’t waiting to have any. When Brittany announced she was pregnant the first thing Jon felt was terror. Sheer, unadulterated, terror. He wasn’t ready, he didn’t think he would ever be ready. But the moment he had time to think about it and talk it through with Luke, who was equally as shocked, he knew he had to step up to the plate and do everything he could for the child. He moved Brittany in, renovated rooms in his home for her and later into the pregnancy for the baby. He read parenting books and look at how-to guides online. By the seventh month Jon felt like he could teach others on the ins and outs of babies. By the third month of Emma being born Jon knew that all the reading and preparing didn’t mean anything because babies were something else entirely. And he loved it.

“All I ever do is support you! I look after the house! I look after your baby! I do everything for you!” Brittany yelled, flailing her gangly arms around herself. Jon winced because he knew she was pushing her luck at waking Emma, who was napping in her bedroom. “Why don’t you see I do everything for you!”

“You make it sound like I don’t do anything! I make enough money so you don’t have to worry about going back to work so quickly, so we can afford to live in this house and not worry about bills. I help around the house. I help raise OUR daughter.” Jon was feeling the edges of his temper creep in. He didn’t often lose his temper, but when he did it was like this veil of darkness went over his consciousness. He would calm down some time later not really remembering what he had said or done. Jon could see Brittany start opening her mouth to argue back and decided he didn’t want to listen to her. “I’m going for a walk.” Standing from his chair Jon stepped past Brittany, refusing to look at her moss green eyes, only sparing a glance at her slightly tanned forearm covered in a light smattering for freckles.

Walking outside into the overwhelming heat Jon felt his heart beat pick up. He fished into his pocket for his phone, with practice and ease he opened his contact as dialled Luke. After a few rings, a familiar voice answered. “Hey man, how’s it going? How’s Emma?”

“She’s fine. What are you up to?” Jon said frantically, breathing heavily. Jon needed Luke to distract him. Jon nervously ran his free hand through his messy brown hair. Like a shot of something sweet Luke had a way of calming him simply by talking. “Not much. What’s up, you don’t sound good?” Jon knew he couldn’t lie or hide from Luke, they’d known each other for too long for either of them to be able to hide their feeling well from one another.

“Brittany is doing my head in again. She’s nagging about getting a real job and stuff.” Jon sighed, he could feel his anger mixing with something else. He could feel sadness creep in, like he might start to cry. “Again? I swear that bitch has nothing better to do then pick fights. Don’t listen to her Jon, you know she’ll do anything for an argument.” Jon could tell Luke was genuinely angry at this; Luke always go angry whenever Brittany started one of her tirades. Though, he has been refusing to see her for the past two months due to one of her ‘temper tantrums’ ruining a day out Luke had planned for Jon as a surprise on his birthday in May. Brittany had refused to stop complaining that Luke was ruining her plans for Jon’s birthday, even though she had planned something for two days later as she had forgotten what day his birthday was.

“I feel like it’s just one massive mistake, man. Like I shouldn’t have ever bothered with her.” Jon spoke this with such ease a chill went through him, “sometimes I wish she was gone.” Luke couldn’t help but gain a smug ‘I told you so’ feeling at that moment, because he had literally told Jon not to bother with her when they first met. However, he would never say it to Jon’s face because he didn’t want to belittle his friend.

“I know man, I feel the same. The only right thing she has ever done was give birth to Emma.” This was all Luke could say, because it was the truth.

Luke adored Emma. He had joked constantly that he would gladly adopt her from Jon and Brittany if they ever wanted to get rid of her. Jon had insisted, to Brittany’s misery, to make Luke his daughters god father, an honour that Luke took more seriously than anything he had ever done. He doted on her every chance he saw her, buying her clothing and toys and food. He played with her, babysat her, took her for walks, tried his best to teach her to talk and walk. Luke acted like the sun shone from the small baby and that if he ever stopped adoring her his life would become meaningless. This was because Luke had always wanted a family of his own, but happy domestic bliss wasn’t on the cards for him. Something would always happen when he was with a girl that wold annoy him and make him call it quits. Something never clicked like he’d imagined. Sure, there would be chemistry and amazing sex, but there wouldn’t be a deeper connection that would let him see past annoying quirks or allow him to fully forgive minor problems.

“I love her so much. I could never do anything to hurt Emma. I can’t leave her, so I can’t leave Brittany and I can’t get rid of Brittany because it would make it tough on Emma only having me.” Jon could feel the hopelessness build inside of him, it felt like it was choking him. A small whimper left his throat. “Oh Jon. Please don’t get upset. Don’t cry, if you cry I’ll cry and nobody wants that. I’m a fucking ugly crier. You have to remember when we watched Toy Story 3 together and I cried like a fucking gorilla that trapped its balls in a car door.” Jon could tell Luke was trying to cheer him up and make him laugh with his comment, but it was too little too late.

“I’ll talk to you later, I’ve got to clear my head for a while.” Jon hung up before Luke could say anything else. A few minutes later a text came though: ‘please don’t do anything stupid she’s not worth it. You’re my best friend and I can’t stand to know you’re upset like this. I’ll be there in a second if you need me, just saying. Love you Jonny’.

All Jon could do was type a quick reply back: ‘love you too bro. I’ll be fine’.

After walking for another hour Jon decided to call Bryce, he knew that his younger friend would always cheer him up and possibly have some good advice. Bryce may be eight years younger, but his sincere heart and optimistic view of the world let him see the silver lining in all situations. Waiting for Bryce to answer Jon started kicking at the stone around his feet, sending them bouncing in all directions like kangaroos that didn’t know what they were doing. After what felt like forever the call went to voice mail, Bryce must have been recording something, waiting for the beep Jon tried to think of what he would say.

“Hey Bryce, it’s Delirious. Just calling to catch up and chat. Um, I’ll speak to you later I guess.” Hanging up Jon felt another pang of defeat within himself. Knowing it would only get worse the longer he stayed away he decided the best thing to do was go home and try and patch things up with Brittany, for Emma’s sake.

Walking back home Jon practiced what he would say, never truly saying what he felt. He would apologise for yelling and walking out before begging for forgiveness. He didn’t like that he would have to do this, but he knew that he had no other choice but to suck it up and deal with it.

Getting home Jon placed his hand on the door and felt a pit open inside of him. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked in, preparing himself for a headache from Brittany.

The house felt oddly calm. No noise cold be heard except for the crying of Emma in her room, Jon could tell it was the cry she let out when she needed someone but felt like she was being ignored. Instincts kicking in Jon ran to his baby girl, cursing Brittany for not going to her sooner. Scooping his daughter up in his arms Jon held her tight and tried his best to comfort her. Eventually she calmed, her eyes that looked so much like her mother’s eyes looked at her father and she smiled before burying her face into his neck with happy giggles. “That’s better my beautiful girl, Daddy doesn’t like to see you cry. Not ever.” Jon put on more of his ‘Delirious voice’ when speaking to his daughter because she seemed to find it funnier and it made her giggle. “Now let’s see where you Mommy has got to, yeah? Yeah, come on.”


	3. Two Men and a Baby

Saturday, June 29th, 2017. 05:57 a.m.

It had been just over two weeks since Jon had walked out of the house to calm down. It had been just over two weeks since Jon cried on the phone to Luke while walking. It had been just over two weeks since Jon left a voice mail with Bryce and had to later make up an excuse when his call was returned. It had been just over two weeks since Jon came home to find a crying Emma. It had been just over two weeks since Jon and Brittany had last argued about anything. Because, it had been just over two weeks since Jon had saw or heard anything of Brittany.

When he had returned home and found his daughter crying alone in her nursery Jon had comforted her and stopped her crying. The small giggles and strong cuddles Emma had given him when she cheered up gave him the strength he needed to apologize to Brittany and to try and make things as right as they could be. But he wouldn’t need the strength. Brittany was gone.

At first Jon thought she might have walked out the house to look for him and that she would return in an hour or two, but as the sun began to set and she refused to answer any call or text he sent Jon began to worry. Laying Emma into her crib for the night Jon sat on a chair in the corner of the room and watched his daughter, the thing he felt most proud of in his life, sleep soundlessly. He didn’t know how long it took before he fell asleep himself, but Jon felt himself jolt awake at around three a.m. by some unknown force. It took his sleep drugged mind a few seconds to remember where he was and why he had been sleeping in a chair. Feeling every bone in his body ache as he stood, his neck cramping, and his mouth dry as a bone, Jon tried his best to not wake Emma who looked like she hadn’t moved an inch in the hours they had both been in the room. Brushing a hand gently over her thin, wispy hair Jon left the room.

Walking to the kitchen, his bare feet making small slapping noises on the wooden floor, Jon listened to the silence of the house around himself. Pouring a glass of water from the water dispenser on the fridge Jon spied a note attached with a magnet.

_I’m sorry. Have a good life._

Ice poured through Jon’s veins. The cold glass slipped from his grasp, shattering into hundreds of tiny fragments on his foot, the water soaking through the hem of his denim trousers. “Fuck.” He breathed as he felt himself shut down, so many emotions flooded him and disappeared in an instant. Before he had realised what had happened Jon found himself hunched over the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach.

When he finished spitting strings of burning bile and had wiped the snot from around his nose Jon let himself cry. Flushing the toilet as he stood Jon noticed the red footprints that followed him into the bathroom, he then noticed his foot was covered in blood with a couple of pieces of glass sticking out from the surface. “Fuck.” Feeling woozy at the sight of the blood Jon sat on the toilet and took long, deep breaths. “Don’t throw up. Don’t pass out.” Panicking Jon grabbed for his phone, realising it wasn’t in his pocket. Preparing himself he pulled himself to his feet, trying to keep the weight off his injured foot. Limping to the kitchen Jon looked for his phone, which wasn’t there. He then proceeded to limp to Emma’s room, the baby still sleeping soundlessly, unaware of everything crashing down around her. Reaching the chair Jon thrust his hand down the back of the cushion searching for his phone. Finding it after digging for a few seconds he unlocked it and hit call on Luke’s name, hoping his friend wouldn’t be too angry at the late-night call.

“Dude, what’s wrong? It’s the middle of the night.” Luke sounded groggy and Jon knew he had woke him from sleep.

“Sorry, I need help. I need to get to the E.R., please help.” Jon whispered trying not to wake Emma.

“Shit man. I’ll be right over.” Luke’s voice went from deep and husky, which normally would send shivers through Jon’s body, to high and alert.

A few minutes later Jon heard the front door open, followed by a low rumble of “Jon? Shit what the fuck.” The sounds of Luke’s boots on the hard floor echoed throughout the house, obviously following the trail of blood. Reaching the end of the trail Luke found Jon slumped in the chair in Emma’s room, the baby starting to fidget herself awake.

“What the hell. I thought something terrible had happened.” Suddenly clasping his hands over his mouth as he realised how loud he spoke next to Emma as she started to whine and cry. Quickly picking her up Luke cradled her to his chest. “Sorry baby girl, don’t crush, hush, shush. Sleepy time.” He gently rocked her back and forth, whispering little nothing of comfort to coax her back to sleep. Jon watched Luke, the dim light from behind him lighting him like an angel, Jon could swear he could see a halo at one point.

“Can you stand?” Luke’s question snapped Jon out of staring at him, Emma still clutched close to his chest protectively. Jon nodded and proceeded to get up and cross the room. “Come on then.” Luke turned and began walking to his car, Jon following shortly behind him. Grabbing a baby car seat from besides the front door with his free arm Luke continued to his car. Placing the seat in with ease and buckling the drowsy Emma in Luke turned to help Jon into the car. Jon in a state of disbelief at the ease that Luke had just carried Emma, fitted her car seat and got her into the seat. If he or Brittany ever tried that they would have probably dropped Emma and broke the seat, in no particular order.

Jon could feel Luke’s eyes dart to him every few seconds as the flew down the empty night roads, the cars headlights the only they’d seen since leaving Jon’s house. “How are you doing?” Luke knew it was a stupid question, but he had to ask anyway.

“Fine. Foot hurts like hell but apart from that I’m fine.” Jon couldn’t tell if he was lying or not. Whatever he was feeling wouldn’t settle long enough for him to put any thought to it. “Sorry about this man. I was getting a drink and I saw…” Jon paused for a second, panicking about what he would tell Luke. He could tell him the truth right away and deal with the disappointment that would come, or he could lie and hope that everything sorts itself out before he should tell Luke what has happened. “I thought I saw a rat. You know how they scare the absolute fuc… fudge out of me.” Jon caught himself mid-swear, altering his language so that Emma wouldn’t be exposed to it, though he was pretty sure she had heard Brittany use it all before.

“What about Brit? Just thought, why wasn’t she around to help you?” Luke felt stupid for only just realising that she was missing, mostly because he would’ve ignored her anyway. Jon felt his stomach lurch, like he would vomit again. “She’s…um… she’s at her parents.”

“Dude, you know you can’t lie to me. What’s happened?” Jon gulped and hoped something would happen so that he could stall for time.

“When I got back after I called you, after we argued, she left. She said she’d be back in a day or two.” Jon hoped Luke wouldn’t see through the lie again, but he knew the truth in there would help cover it. Luke just nodded and kept driving.

“You’ll be lucky if she never comes back.” Luke hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but the moment it did he felt himself tense for Jon to retort, but it never came. “Seriously, though, you’re alright, right?”

“I’m peachy. I’m great. I just want today to be over with.” Jon let his eyes sink shut as he forced back tears, the street lights blurring past them as the zoomed through the dark.

After sitting around in the E.R. for hours and several stitches later Luke dropped Jon off back at his house, baby Emma wide awake and happily baby talking to herself. “Want me to stick around for a bit? Help out for a while?” Luke asked, the coffees he drank while waiting in the hospital helped make up for the complete lack of sleep he got.

“No thanks man. I’m probably going to just sped the day watching Emma. Speak to you later. Oh, and thanks again for your help, you’re a damned life saver”. Jon got out of the car and struggled getting Emma out of her chair, muttering in frustration to himself as he did it, until he felt a larger, warmer hand cover his and a strong body press against him from behind. “You need to squeeze this and turn, like this.” Luke guided Jon’s hand over the safety latches and fasteners to the seat, helping him retrieve his daughter from the car. “Let me at least help you get the seat inside before I go.” Jon didn’t argue, instead he just walked to the house with Emma in his arms.

When they got inside and Emma was set down in her play pen Jon turned to talk to Luke, who had snuck past him towards the kitchen and was grabbing items from the cupboards to clean the broken glass and blood from the floor. “There is no way I’m leaving you to deal with all of this on your own.”

Remembering the note on the refrigerator Jon quickly moved to block Luke’s view of it, grabbing the scrap of paper and tucking it into his pocket. “I’ll get started here, you can go get the less bloody parts.” Jon insisted, almost resorting to pushing Luke out of the room. As he knelt to start picking up the glass he heard Emma start crying, sighing he placed his cleaning items aside and began to rise before hearing Luke call, “It’s alright Jon, I got her. I think she’s hungry.” Jon stood and began grabbing things to sort out Emma’s breakfast. “You hungry baby girl?” Luke walked into the kitchen from a different, non-bloodied, entrance holding Emma’s hand as she teetered next to him. “Better wait here, don’t want you hurting yourself. I’d never hear the end of it from your Mommy or Daddy, would I?” Emma just looked up at Luke with bright eyes and smiled, gnashing her mouth open and closed in a fashion that meant ‘I’m hungry’ whenever Emma did it.

“I’ve put some stuff on the counter over there for her”, Jon waved his hand in the general direction of the food, “you can eat in the other room. Did you want something Luke?” Jon looked across the kitchen at him, Luke just nodded, smiled and walked the food and Emma out of the room.

Grabbing some food from the cupboards and throwing together an impromptu breakfast of toaster waffles and fruit, drizzled in maple syrup, as well as coffee, Jon carried the two plates of food and cups of coffee through to Luke. When he saw Luke squatting in front of a happily eating Emma he couldn’t help but smile and feel better about his life.

“Thanks man.” Jon almost dropped the tray when he realised Luke was stood right in front of him grabbing a plate and a cup. “You sure you’re alright, you want to go get some sleep? I’ll watch Emma while you do.” Jon shook his head before heading to Luke’s side with his own breakfast. After they finished, and Emma had done playing with the food she didn’t want to eat, the men got back to cleaning and obeying Emma’s every beckoning call.

“All sorted. Now you call me if you need anything, right? Like anything at all I’m always here for you, you’re my bro and I’ve got to make sure you’re good.” Luke pulled Jon into a hug, squeezing him tight. Letting go of Jon and turning to Emma who was sat on the sofa watching some kids programme that looked like the worst thing in the world Luke addressed her. “And you, little lady, look after your Daddy. I’ll see you very soon, love you baby girl.” Luke leant over and kissed her forehead and brushed strands of hair from her face. “Bye, bye.”

“Momma.” Emma turned to Luke as he started walking away. Both Jon and Luke snapped to looking at Emma.

“What was that baby girl?” Luke asked in astonishment.

“Go on Emma, say it again.” Jon couldn’t help but let his enthusiasm flow through. To the best of his knowledge, this was Emma’s first words.

“Momma, Momma. No.” Emma repeated and added to. Luke and Jon blinked at her and at each other before Jon scooped Emma up and held her high above his head.

“Oh my goodness. My baby girl is talking! She said her first words!” Jon almost laughed these words out, Emma smiling and laughing along with him. Luke laughing besides him.

“Wait. Did she just call me Momma?” Luke stopped laughing as he realised what had happened? Jon stopped spinning in circles with Emma when Luke spoke. Blinking blindly at Jon before bursting into fits of laughter.

Jon woke with a startle from restless sleep, the sweat of his night terror clinging to his skin.

It had been just over two weeks since Jon sincerely laughed last, since he genuinely smiled last, since he had a good night’s sleep, since he didn’t feel a dark hand grab hold of his heart and squeeze it until he felt nothing but coldness.


	4. Broken

Saturday, June 29th, 2017. 05:58 a.m.

Getting out of bed Jon walked to the bathroom. Pulling his sweat covered clothes off his body he looked at his naked reflection in the mirror. He looked pale and tired. Dark circles covered his once brilliant eyes. His ribs poked at his skin and his once thin body looked underweight and like a skeleton. The dark and bright swirling colours of his left arms sleeve tattoo looked dull to his eyes. Casting his eyes lower Jon couldn’t help but wonder when the last time he felt aroused was, it had been a very long time, but it had been a long time since anything came close to gaining his sexual interest. Finally looking at his foot where the stiches and scars ran from the glass weeks before, just seeing the thin threads of scarring made Jon want to scratch his foot off but he had learned the hard way that scratching his foot was not worth the pain.

Stepping into the shower Jon let the hot water pour over his body, warming it from the cold morning air. For the brief minutes Jon was in the shower the warm water poured life into his tired bones and chased away the empty feeling inside of himself. Washing his hair, that he would never normally let grow much past a buzz cut but now sat like a small, messy, birds nest atop his head, and his body, before getting out of the shower and wrapping himself in a soft blue towel. Jon began brushing his teeth before mentally going through the list of things he had planned for the day.

First, he would check on Emma, making sure she was set up for a few hours of entertaining herself while he recorded some _Rainbow Six Siege_ with Cartoonz, Ohm, Bryce and Gorillaphent. For the most part Emma was fine playing with her toys by herself for a short while in the morning after she had been given breakfast. After a couple of rounds of that he would feign an excuse to leave quickly so he could check on Emma and sort anything else out that he needed to do. After that he would do some laundry before going back to his computer and joining in a few games of whatever everyone else was playing while Emma napped the afternoon away. This sort of pattern of quick games before running off was the pattern of life Jon had adopted a couple of days after Brittany had left and he had cut his foot. For the most part everything got done, though nothing was to the standard Jon would like.

At first everybody else questioned Jon on the new routine, but he assured them all that it was just because of a lifestyle change he was taking. Luke didn’t buy the excuse and called Jon to personally talk it through. Jon had lied and said that he was playing less so that he could help keep Brittany happy and spend more time with Emma (which was only partly a lie), Luke told him he was being ‘a fucking pussy whipped bitch’ before telling him that he shouldn’t have to change for her.

At first Jon felt a deep chill to his core thinking about the loneliness of the past few weeks, apart from the occasional visit to Luke or his parents, Jon hadn’t seen anybody he knew apart from Emma. There had been a few dark moments when he thought of dropping Emma off at his parents and driving away forever, there was a couple of days he had thought about dropping Emma off at his parents and then he would drive off a bridge. It had been years since Jon had entertained the thought of killing himself, not since he was a teenager and dealing with issues he’s rather not remember again.

One thing gave him hope though. Whenever Jon felt life couldn’t get any worse Emma would do something to amaze him, her most recent thing would be offering her teddy bear to him to cuddle whenever he felt sad. Emma seemed to have a natural ability to know exactly what anyone was feeling and knew what to do in every situation.

Jon had given her the teddy bear when she was born, but she had only just got big enough for Jon to let her play with it properly and not worry about Emma hurting herself with it somehow. The moment she had picked up the bear for the first time there was true love between her and the inanimate object. She carried it everywhere and slept with it by her side. One-day Jon decided it needed to be washed because her baby saliva was starting to make the bear smell bad, that day Emma had decided that Jon had disappeared even when he was stood right in front of her. Jon had to admit, if it wasn’t for the fact that when she was annoyed she puffed her baby fat cheeks out and looked adorable to the point of laughter, Emma was a good little actor and would convincingly look everywhere but at him when she was in an ignoring mood.

Setting up his recording equipment and logging onto discord Jon talked with the guys for a while before he slipped into H2O Delirious mode and began his recording. “What’s up guys? It’s H2O Delirious here and I’m playing some Siege with my homeboys Cartoonz-”

“What’s up you sexy mothafucker!”

“Bryce!-”

“How’s it going Delirious?”

“Gorilla!-”

“Sup.”

“And Mr. Ohmwrecker!”

“Ruudyyy!”

At Ohm everybody cracked up. “Ohm you fucking funny asshole” Cartoonz started before starting to talk about the game and what was happening. Their usual jokes flowing, along with streams of profanity, and innuendo and flirting.

Delirious felt himself enjoy the game and relax, it was during his time with his friends that everything else slipped away. He didn’t feel the same level of joy at playing games with his friends as he would normally, but he didn’t also feel the numbness and want to disappear as he did in his everyday life. Video games had become the middle ground where Delirious appeared and Jon could relax and pretend he wasn’t drowning inside himself.

After three-quarters of an hour Jon decided he needed to check on Emma and run a couple of chores, leaving the recording session Jon went to find his daughter and play with her for a couple of hours. Putting his dirty laundry into the washing machine Jon checked his phone, Luke had texted asking if he wanted to join in a game of _Golf with Your Friends_. Jon replied that he would be there in a few minutes.

Taking Emma to her bedroom for a nap Jon hugged her tight and kissed her forehead, she smiled and yawned and Jon felt a warmth at the sight of his daughter so happy and being so adorable. Putting her down in her crib and placing her teddy bear next to her for comfort Jon watched for a few seconds.

Jon isn’t a religious man, but seeing Emma drift off to sleep he paused and prayed to whatever deity would listen. “Please, whoever you are, look after my baby girl. Look after my Emma Mia. She only little and everything is already messed up for her. Can you please fix her family and make it strong and safe and full of love? She needs somebody who can look after her the way she deserves. Thank you.”

Going downstairs Jon set up his equipment again and let himself find his natural video game rhythm, or lack thereof for golf. After a couple of hours Delirious started to think of what he would say to leave this time when out of nowhere Ohm made a joke and everyone burst into laughter. He could hear Cartoonz gasping for air as he laughed, Bryce and Gorilla both saying some variance of “oh my gosh Ohm,” and Delirious broke.

Half way through laughing tears came pouring out and the ugliest cry he had ever heard erupted from Delirious mouth. For a second he didn’t realise it was himself but when the tickle of tears irritated his face Jon realised the truth.

And the rest of the call went silent. The balls on the screen came to their natural stop.

“Delirious are you ok? Delirious?” Bryce asked he sounded panicked and his words came out frantic, concern pouring through the call. And Delirious kept crying.

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Ohm asked, nobody in the call can remember the last time he sounded so vulnerable on purpose. His voice pitched higher then he would normally let it go. And Delirious kept crying.

“What the hell happened, speak to us Delirious.” Gorilla asked his naturally deep voice deepened into a low rumble, almost like he was trying to speak quietly so he wouldn’t scare anyone. And Delirious kept crying.

And Cartoonz said nothing. And Delirious kept crying.

The questions and concerns kept coming from everyone except for Cartoonz who the moment the laughing died and the crying started had been silent.

The screen of his phone lit up with a phone call from Bryce, but Jon ignored it. Texts pinged in, but Jon ignored them. Nothing from Luke.

Jon walked away from the computer when his crying died naturally a few minutes later, his body numb, too deaf in thought to hear his worried friends calling to him through his headset. A sleepiness and heaviness set into his bones as he walked.

Going to Emma, Jon gathered her and her teddy bear into his arms and carried her to his bedroom. She fussed and woke but didn’t cry, by the time Jon had placed her down on his bed she was already drifting asleep again. Laying down on the bed he cradled her into a hug and tried to not let her know he was crying. Jon didn’t know how long he had been lying there cuddling a sleeping Emma when his tears started again.

“I’m so sorry Emma. I’m sorry I can’t be a better father. I’m sorry your Mom left us and isn’t coming back. I wish I could do the right thing for you, but I don’t know what that is. I’m pathetic and weak and you deserve someone so much better. I wish someone would come to save you.” Jon sobbed.

Luke stood silently at the door to the bedroom, his hair flat and dripping from the rain outside, his chest rising and falling rapidly from running through the house to find Jon and Emma. When he found them, and heard Jon speak Luke felt his heart break, he never knew it had got so bad. His best friend, his brother, the only person in the world that knew the true him, was breaking apart and he had no clue what had happened.

“Oh Jonathan. What happened?” Luke whispered crouching next to the bed, reaching a hand out to grab Jon’s. “I’m here.” Luke squeezed and Jon gently squeezed back. Jon opened his bloodshot eyes and looked into Luke’s deep, soulful eyes. They kept eye contact for a second, Luke squeezed Jon’s hand again.

Gently picking Emma up Luke quickly took her to her crib and placed her there to sleep, before running back to Jon’s side. Kicking his shoes off Luke climbed onto the bed, where Jon had turned to face away. Placing an arm over Jon, Luke hugged him from behind. Smelling the familiar mint and chocolate but noticing the skinniness his friends body had taken to.

“I’ll be right here when you want to talk. I won’t leave you, not again. Not ever.” Luke whispered, holding Jon tighter when he felt him shudder into tears again. Jon didn’t speak, he only cried, and Luke tried his hardest to not join in. Seeing Jon cry upset Luke to no end and made him angry at the world for ever letting his friend be anything but happy. Luke buried his face into his friend’s hair and breathed him in, he placed a tender kiss and tried his best to let his friend know he was safe without saying another word.

After a few minutes, the crying ceased and Jon’s breathing evened out into deep breaths. Luke knew he had fallen asleep, but he stayed there for a while longer, making sure he felt safe, and secure, and knew he was not alone.


	5. Real Talk

Saturday, June 29th, 2017. 06:23 p.m.

Jon slowly opened his eyes, wincing when the bright sun shone through the window directly into his eyes. Jonathan felt warm and secure, he felt rested and like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Which was strange because he felt an odd weight over his shoulder.

Sitting up Jon felt an arm drop from his shoulders and land across his legs with the dead weight of sleep. Looking next to himself he saw Luke fast asleep, his mouth slightly open in silent snores. Jon couldn’t help but ghost a hand through Luke’s hair brown and over his sleep-flattened beard.

Slowly hazelnut coloured eyes opened, looking up at Jon with delicacy and vulnerability. Letting his hand drop from Luke’s beard Jonathan spoke first. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

The two men just stayed still for a few seconds staring into each-other’s eyes, neither one of them wanting to break the peace that had grown between them. Jon remembered the look in Luke’s eyes when he had found him with Emma earlier in the day. There was something in the look that Jon couldn’t recognise but it stirred something inside of him, making he want to crawl into Luke and cry away his problems, it made him never want to leave his friends side because he knew that’s where his protection was. A cautious small crossed Luke’s face, Jon tried to match it but it felt forced so he let it drop.

“I’m sorry.” Jon whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

“For what?” Luke began to sit as he spoke.

“For lying. For not admitting I was struggling. For everything wrong I’ve ever done.” Jon felt like crying again but nothing was coming out, he felt like he had cried all his tears and now he was empty.

“Don’t apologize.” Luke broke eye contact first, looking to his hands that he now has grasped tight. “Yes, I’m super fucking pissed that you didn’t say anything. Yes, I want to bitch slap you for not asking for help even though I told you so many times to just ask me for anything at any time. Yes, I’m the tiniest bit satisfied that you learned the hard way that you shouldn’t do this all alone. But never apologize.” Luke looked back up too Jon’s green eyes, pure determination shineing in his own. “How long?” Jon cowered slightly from the gaze, but he knew everything Luke was saying was the truth.

“Ever since I cut my foot.” Jon mumbled, feeling ashamed at himself. Everything Luke had said was true and he felt like the world’s biggest idiot for thinking otherwise even for a second.

“Fucking damnit man. Now I feel really fucking pissed and stupid. Two fucking weeks and I didn’t know? Why the fuck didn’t you say anything sooner?” Luke abruptly stood from the bed, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Jon who remained sitting.

“I was ashamed of how much I messed up. I didn’t want to admit that I’m a terrible fucking father. I…”

“Don’t you dare think that for a second.” Luke interrupted. “You are not a terrible father. Emma is lucky to have you. You haven’t done a single thing wrong by her since the day she was conceived. You know it, I know it, she knows it, everybody knows it. You’re a wonderful father. You’re a terrible fucking friend, but a wonderful dad.” Jon felt the prickling of tears in his eyes again and he could see the beginning of tears in Luke’s eyes too.

“I…” Jon started, but didn’t have anything to say. He just hung his head and let the silence once again wash over them. A few seconds later the sound of babbling and giggles drifted through the room. “I’m guessing Emma is awake.”

“Yeah. How was she when you got here? I was kind of out of it.”

“She was fine. She was asleep next to you, I put her in her room and I didn’t hear anything from her. I also sorted out your washing and made sure your recording and stuff was ended.” Luke ran a hand through his hair, wincing slightly as his finger caught in knots that he pulled free. “See what I mean. She is happy and healthy, you’re doing what you should be with her. She doesn’t need anyone to save her.” Both men went to Emma, who was playing with her teddy bear, oblivious to what was happening around her.

“Dada!” Emma cooed when she noticed Jon, her arms up stretching towards him, her little hands opening and clenching. Jon lifted her and she automatically clung to him in her attempt of a cuddle. “Momma!” Emma called noticing Luke over he fathers shoulder. Both men felt a sting at the word, but both knew Emma meant nothing by it. Jon passed Emma over to Luke, who took her with a smile on his face.

“Thanks man, for everything.” Jon looked to the clock and noticed how long he had slept for, the last time he was aware of was a little bit after 4 p.m., which was just before their final round of gaming before his breakdown.

“Have you said anything to the others?” Jon was worried about what the others were thinking, Luke just shook his head. “Nah man, I came right here. I think I left my phone at home and apart from taking Emma to her room and those couple of chores I haven’t left your side like I promised you. Besides, it’s not my place to say anything.”

“I better tell them what’s happened. They deserve to know after I did that to them.” Jon sighed and went back to his bedroom to look for his phone, before remembering it was still in his recording room where he had left it ignored when his friends tried to contact him earlier. “You sure you’re ready for that now?” The concern in Luke’s voice made Jon hesitate before deciding that if he didn’t do it now he would put it off for a lot longer.

Going to his recording room Jon grabbed his phone, seeing he had thirty-seven missed calls from the guys, mostly from Bryce, and over ninety texts, once again most from Bryce. Jon knew who he was going to call first.

Hitting the call button, he began walking aimlessly through his house, after the third ring a frantic Bryce answered.

“Delirious? What the crap happened? Are you alright? I’ve been so worried about you!” Jon felt a pang of guilt at knowing he had caused Bryce to worry so much, but he also felt a swell of joy at knowing Bryce cared so much. Deep down Jon knew Bryce would care the most, he had the largest heart out of anyone he knew and loved everyone unconditionally.

“I’m O.K. man. Sorry about earlier, I kinda lost it for a minute there.” Jon chuckled to try and play off the severity of what happened but it sounded forced and both himself and Bryce weren’t convinced for a second.

“What happened? I mean if you don’t mind talking to me about it.” Bryce, in Jon’s opinion, has always been one of the best listeners in his life and he knew that whatever he told him would be in confidence.

“Sure. Basically, I have a daughter, she’s almost eleven months old now.”

“Oh, wow. Congratulation, I suppose, man. I didn’t even know you were seeing someone. Wait, something didn’t happen to her, did it?” Bryce’s voice went from super happy to super sad in a record time. Jon could tell that Bryce’s imagination had gone to the worst imaginable place and Jon felt a sudden spike of panic.

“No. No, nothing like that she healthy and good and still here. It’s her mom. Her mom walked out on us a couple of weeks ago and I’ve basically been trying to raise her on my own, but I guess I wasn’t doing too well at that.” Before he had realised where he was Jon was standing at the edge of Emma’s crib, his daughter looking at him with puzzlement in her eyes, obviously wondering who he was talking to. Jon wasn’t sure where Luke had gone, but he could hear his older friend moving around somewhere downstairs.

“I’m so sorry to hear that man, that’s really tough.” Bryce sounded like he had perked up at hearing the baby was still alright.

“Dada, dada, dada!” Emma began chanting at Jon.

“Is that her I can hear?”

“Yeah, that’s her. That’s my little Emma.” Jon held the phone out so Bryce could hear her better.

“No. Dada!”

Jon pulled the phone back to his ear, Bryce laughing on the other end. “She sounds freaking adorable.”

“She is.”

At that moment Jon decided to do something he thought he never would. Looking at the screen of his phone he pressed a few buttons and suddenly everything shifted.

Bryce’s happy face filled the screen, a look of confusion quickly covered by a hand over his eyes. “Dude! Delirious! Did you mean to just put this to video? I’m not going to look if you don’t want me to see you.” Jon laughed at the goofiness Bryce was displaying.

“You can look dude.” Bryce lowered his hand hesitantly and looked at Jon’s face for the first time ever. “Hey man, good to finally see you.”

“Look who’s talking, Delirious. So that’s what you look like?” Bryce smiled a shy smile, his blue eyes twinkled as he pushed his fringe from his face.

“Damn right handsome, isn’t he?” Jon jumped as Luke appeared behind him, holding a cup of herbal tea in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. Luke and Bryce laughed at Jon’s rabbit in the headlights reaction.

“I’d say he’s more cute or pretty, not handsome.” Jon felt himself blush, had Bryce seriously just called him cute? “But dude. Cartoonz, that’s where you went. We worried about you too when you went all radio silent.”

“Sorry about that man, homeboy here needed me.” Jon looked over his shoulder at Luke, who wore a guarded expression but his eyes said that they’d talk about this more later.

“That’s fair enough. I’m glad you’re all alright. Have you spoken to the others yet?”

“Nope, you’re the first.” Jon couldn’t help but notice the small look of shock and then even happier look the crossed Bryce’s face at this revelation. “I was going to call them in a minute, let them know I’m good. Oh,” remembering the reason why he turned the call to video to begin with, Jon turned the phone towards his daughter to show Bryce, “this is Emma Mia.”

“Awh, dude. She’s so pretty. I’m so freaking happy for you!”

“Thanks man,” Jon said turning the phone back to himself in time to catch Bryce pulling faces for Emma to see. They both laughed at each other for a few seconds. “I better get going and let the others know the news. Talk to you later man.”

“Yeah, talk to you later Delirious!”

“Hey, call me Jon.”

“O.K., Jon.” They both smiled at each other before Jon ended the call.

Jon smiled at his phone before placing it into his pocket and looking up, seeing Luke teasing Emma by wiggling his fingers just out of her reach.

“What was that about?” Luke asked in a nonchalant manner, even though on the inside he felt something akin to jealousy or betrayal. Up until now he was the only person that knew what H2O Delirious looked like in person, or knew that he had a family. Luke didn’t know why Bryce knowing irked him, he just knew that he would have to learn to deal with it.

“It felt like the right thing to do at the time, you know?” Jon felt like it came from a place of pride about Emma.

“Sure, whatever.”

“What’s wrong? Why has it upset you?” Jon was confused. Why had it bothered Luke so much? It was only his face, it didn’t mean anything to him. Jon had only kept it secret for so long because he was the way people treated known faced YouTubers and he had decided that a certain level of privacy was necessary to keep himself sane.

“Nothing. Just never realised you’d actually show anyone else.” Luke couldn’t help but let an edge slip into his tone. The bitterness sharp to both his and Jon’s ears. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just surprised is all. I never thought I’d see the day you revealed yourself to anyone else.”

“I never thought I’d see the day either. Just something about Bryce made me do it.” Jon knew that given the chance there was something about Bryce that could make him do anything.

“Keep going like that I’d anyone would think you’re gay.” Luke joked, a single bark of laughter leaving his mouth afterwards, though it didn’t sound sincere to either of them. Jon felt his stomach sink.

“What if I was.” The words escaped Jon’s mouth before he could think about it. They both knew the second the words were out that he wasn’t joking. Jon kicked himself for letting his annoyance get the better of him and not thinking before he spoke.

“What the fuck dude?” Luke turned to face Jon, shock evident across his entire being. His brown eyes were wide, his stance guarded. Jon wished now more than ever that he had the power to control time. “What do you mean you’re gay? What about Emma, what about Brittany? You can’t be gay you have a daughter!” Luke knew he wasn’t upset about the ‘gay thing’ but rather about Jon lying about himself.

Jon went to the now fussing baby and picked her up and walked from the room, Luke following shortly behind him.

“I’m not gay, per say. I like girls, obviously. I like guys, too. Kind of.”

“What do you mean, ‘kind of’? Either you do or you don’t.” Luke was confused as all hell. He was confused as to what Jon meant and as to why it had taken him so many years to say anything.

“I mean I like girls and guys but not all the time. Like I only like certain girls and guys, depending on the person themselves.” Jon hoped that would explain it to Luke, though he doubted it because he just about understood it himself.

“But isn’t everyone like that? I mean I only like girls, but only certain ones depending on what they’re like.”

“That’s not really what I mean. Yes, attraction is part of it. But I mean I’m not attracted to them because they’re a girl or a guy, I’m attracted to them because of who they are. Like they’re funny, or they’re smart, or they’re good at video games, or whatever.”

“I don’t really get it. But I don’t really care about that right now.” Luke was still just as confused, but he only cared about why he wasn’t told sooner. “Why haven’t you said anything before? We’ve been friends for years now, you could have said something sooner.”

“I know man, it’s just difficult. I haven’t told anyone and I didn’t know how anyone would react. I was scared everyone would leave me.” Jon slumped slightly in defeat, half expecting Luke to walk out on him any second. Emma poked at his face and pinched at his lips, “Dada.” Jon smiled at his.

“Yeah, I’m your Dada.”

“Dude, you’re my bro. You could be full on sucking dick every day and night and I wouldn’t love you any less. I’m always here for you, you know that.”

“Moma.” Emma said looking past Jon to where Luke was standing.

“No, that’s Uncle Luke. You know that.”

“Moma.” Emma said this in a way that almost suggested that she understood her father and was correcting him.

“No baby girl. I’m Uncle Luke, not Moma. I’m still here, O.K.?” Luke winced the second he said it, but it didn’t seem to bother Jon or Emma the slightest. “And I’m not going anywhere, no matter what your Dad thinks.” Jon turned to Luke, who squared his shoulders and stared right into his eyes. “Neither one of you could get rid of me if you tried. I love you both too much to leave, no matter what or who you are.”

Jon felt a smile come across his face, the fiery determination in Luke’s eye melting some of the coldness he had been feeling inside recently. Stepping towards Luke Jon nuzzled his head into the crook of his neck, he would have hugged him but Emma was still in his arms. Jon’s senses were taken over by the smell of roasted coffee beans and apricots, a smell so Luke that Jon couldn’t imagine ever hating it.

“We love you too, you old softie.” Luke gently wrapped his arms around Jon and Emma. They stayed like that for a minute, until Emma decided to shit on the moment, quite literally.

“Holy crap! Was that you little lady?” Both Jon and Luke scrunched up their faces as they separated, Jon holding Emma at arm’s length to get away from the smell. “What have I been feeding you? I don’t remember giving you rotten eggs for breakfast.” Jon couldn’t help but chuckle at the satisfied look on Emma’s face. “Come on, let’s get you changed.”

“Want a hand?”

“Nah, I’m good man. You do whatever, we’ll be back in a minute.” Jon passed Luke, waving Emma playfully towards him, making Luke fake gag when she came close.

Luke waited until he could hear Jon talking to himself about changing Emma before he slipped out the front door and drove off.

Putting Emma’s clothes back on Jon remembered that he had yet to call Ohm or Gorilla to apologize for and explain about earlier. Setting Emma down on the floor he told her to go play with her toys while he made the call.

He decided to go with Ohm first, they had been friends for longer which meant something to Jon deep down.

After one call going to voice mail and a short wait on the second call Ohm finally answered.

“Hey man, how are you?” His voice was calm, a stark contrast to the frantic worry from Bryce.

“I’m good, everything is fine. I don’t really know what happened, sorry for that.”

“It’s fine, just glad you’re alright. Had us worried there for a minute. Good thing Cartoonz went to you, I guess.” This threw Jon, he hadn’t told Ohm this detail yet.

“How did you…?”

“Bryce texted me earlier saying he heard from you and you were with Cartoonz.”

“Oh. What else did he say?” Jon was worried Bryce had overstepped the boundary and told Ohm everything.

“Only that you called him and Luke is there with you.” Jon let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Anyway, was expecting to hear from you sooner when Bryce texted. But it’s cool, glad you’re alright.”

“Thanks man. Yeah, sorry I didn’t call earlier. Luke and I had some… stuff to chat about.”

“You both good with each other?”

“Yeah, he just gave me shit for some stuff. I kind of deserved it, to be honest.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I let my home life get too much and that’s what happened earlier. Um… basically, I have a baby girl and I was struggling to look after her and do everything else. Luke has always tried to help, but I didn’t let him know that I was struggling, so he got mad and stuff. But we’re good now.”

“At least you’re both still friends. That’s the… wait did you say you had a baby girl? The fuck dude?” Jon would have laughed at how long it took Ohm to catch on to that snippet of information, but he wasn’t in a laughing mood.

“Yeah, she’s about ten months old.”

“You kept that pretty well hidden. Then again, I guess that sums us both up, right Delirious?”

“Yeah, it does man. You remember when my ‘computer broke’ in August last year?”

“Sort of? I remember we were meant to play one night and you and Cartoonz bailed last minute and didn’t really say anything about it afterwards. Was that when she was born?” Jon was honestly surprised that Ohm remembered.

“Yeah, we spent the night at the hospital. It was a long night.” The call went quiet for a while, Jon could hear the steady breathing of Ohm on the other end so he knew the call hadn’t dropped.

“Anyway, I better get going. Got to call Gorilla and stuff. Talk to you later?” Jon hoped he hadn’t shocked Ohm too much that he didn’t want to talk for a while.

“Sure. I was planning on streaming tonight, if you want to hop into a game with me?”

“Maybe. I’ll see how I feel and I’ll text you later with the plan. Speak to you later.”

“See-ya later.” Jon hung up, glad that he and Ohm were still good. That was three down and only Gorilla to go.

As he suspected, Gorilla already knew about the call coming and about what happened to Cartoonz when it all went down. Though Gorilla’s reaction to learning about Emma was the most shocking to Jon.

“Seriously? How the fuck did you keep that secret for so long? I remember when my baby girl was born, I couldn’t stop myself from telling everybody. If I was on YouTube at the time I would have had like a whole series of videos dedicated to me talking about her!” Jon laughed at Gorilla. He always forgot that Gorilla had been a father for a number years now, thinking back over his choices Jon decided he should have told Gorilla from the off. Nothing would have been better then speaking to somebody who had gone through it, for the most part, instead of just reading useless books and internet posts.

Ending the call Jon told Emma that he was going to make some lunch, to which she ignored him instead focusing on the toys in front of her. Knowing she was safe in her room, and he would only just be out of sight in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, Jon left Emma to play.

Deciding to make melted cheese sandwiches for himself and Luke, Jon began preparing the bread and cheese while heating a pan. As the food cooked and Emma’s food sat waiting for him to take to her, Jon thought about how much his life has changed recently.

A year ago, Jon had been expecting his first child. His life was a secret from everybody he cared about besides those he knew before YouTube was even made. Jon was in a relationship that had progressed too fast and felt suffocating and one sided. Now he was single, again, with a ten-month-old daughter, he had shown his face to somebody new, and he felt at peace for the first time in a long, long time. Yet Jon could still feel the proverbial executioner’s axe dangling above his head, he just wondered when the peace would be shattered and life resumed its chaotic game of fucking him over.

Dishing up the food Jon was surprised to not find Luke anywhere in the house or gardens. Placing his plate back in the kitchen and grabbing Emma’s food instead Jon was surprised when he noticed a couple of bags of items by his front door he hadn’t seen before and was sure he hadn’t noticed when he was looking for Luke.

Opening the closest bag Jon was surprised to see clothing, he recognised the t-shirts as Luke’s. Opening a second bag Jon saw shoes, once again recognising them as Luke’s. Just as he stood in confusion the front door opened and Luke walked in, his main computer tower held under one arm as he held the door. “Hey man, thought I’d get a head start while you were on the phone.”

“Head start with what?”

“I’m moving in.” Jon was pretty sure he went into shock at that moment.


End file.
